I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
