apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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