i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
