my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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