The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
