so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
