He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
