I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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