just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
