I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
