cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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