so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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