I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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