Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
