Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
