Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
