if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
