First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
