Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
