Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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