Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
