Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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