so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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