Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
