I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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