i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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