Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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