I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
