Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Congratulations! We have a period
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