I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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