I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
