I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
