i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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