I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
