I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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