Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
