is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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