I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
