I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just invented taco cereal.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
