Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
