Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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