I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
