Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
