im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
