I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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