I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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