hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
