it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
