If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
