She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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